Real

My soul is ridden with anxiety
And I am discomforted
Under the weight of how we are different faces
In a crowd 
I'm afraid of all of you
How I'm forsaken in the midst of all these lies
I wouldn't gather the courage to believe you
Are you real?
Help me to be real, Father
My senses taste contortions
As they unravel before all that we think we are
I don't want to take it all in
Or respond or be involved in any way -
Our reactions tainted by our motives
Our words devalued by the things that we do
What is it that we speak?
What is it that we show?
What do I need to do?
To gain your support
To earn your love
Can I trust you to not leave me?
Can I trust you to not stab me in the back and speak of me
Like I was worth only the ground you now walk on?
Advisor, help me out here
Can you lead me by example
Will you honour me above yourself?
And somehow I can't believe any of you
No, you can't be real
No, this couldn't possibly be you
Could it?
What about the person I've known all along
A whole
Tearing apart at the weary seams
We are colours in the single light of one being

In our souls lie light
But we are liars
Lead me in truth
Help me with myself
Save me from myself
Can I be real?
Am I really too good to be true?
Father, am I not consistent?
I struggle with the things I always have
What is it that they see - 
When they look at me?
I've lost myself here
When you stood in two places
At once
You barely realised what you did
You barely realise all that you've done
Somehow this waging war
Is out of control
I want to run away
Sooner if I can
I don't want to be a lie
I am afraid of becoming one of you
Leave me to myself
I love you
I forever will
But please let me be
Here with myself
Father don't let go
I want to find myself in You
In the Truth
Liars we are
Lying to each other and ourselves
Living with and without fear
We are cheats
Friends of Jesus
Help us not to stay here