The Grand Roles

When I see you waving goodbye 

A broken part of me 

Breaks down again 

And experiences a death without a funeral*

I can’t believe I’m leaving you again 

To your life of aloneness 

You always stand

Waving your arthritic fingers

Waving goodbye 

When it’s time for us to go 

Sympathetically smiling

As if hiding your pain 

With longing 

But today 

Oh today 

I didn’t look away 

I didn’t want to stop waving 

And there it was 

A smile like that of a newborn’s

It must have been a moment longer 

Than our usual parting 

I shared with you

A joy 

Is this how long our true lives are? 

A moment of joy that gives way to

The fullness of tears 

In my eyes

In my smile that quickly turns corners 

I wear sorrow like a facade 

Hidden and unjustified 

They can’t see 

They don’t know how I feel 

Is it because I’m still a child 

Incapable of sensing 

What’s dangerous and what’s not 

I wonder how it is you feel when we leave 

And when you turn away

And into the deeper recesses 

Of a lonely house

Here I am 

Riding away 

With my eyes closed 

Crying and praying 

For grace to find you in the every day 

For His presence to keep you company 

In a way only He can 

And I could never 

In the meanwhile 

Can we find things to do to distract us?

May you hear His love song over you 

He sings with great rejoicing 

Please don’t leave me 

Everything’s wrong 

We’re growing older

There’s a hurt here

That could outlive us

How did we numb the pain for so long 

In meals and generosity 

Is this who we are

All of us children?

You and me 

We’re abandoned aren’t we 

We want to do it on our own 

But I want to help you 

I know you’re able 

But I have to keep reminding myself 

I'll be careful not to think that you aren't

Does this have anything to do with 

How long you’ve been at this than I have 

Am I still yours?

Losing battles I didn’t choose 

In my 23 years of falling

Hold me up 

Hold us up, Lord 

Help us to be there for each other 

Our homes are a mess 

We live our lives together 

And share the joy of a new life 

Only to give it away 

To another 

We’ve been here before 

Betrothed and loved 

Living in submission

Living still 

Only to feel farther away 

We’ve waited for our whole worlds to move 

We were voiceless 

Watching our relations unravel 

Waiting for someone 

Anyone 

To give us the chance to speak 

Why did we wait? 

But you still went the distance 

To meet me time and time again 

While I stayed away 

By choice 

By circumstance

And the times that I did 

I came to you 

From a place of abundance 

And belonging 

But now that I’ve known scarcity 

And loss 

Now that I’ve known 

Lesser loves

Loves that fail 

And I’m more miserable 

Than I have ever been 

I’ve made gods of another’s dictions

Is it pitiful that I’m begging for more time 

When I threw away 

When I mistreated 

The little time that we did spend with each other 

We spent quietly 

Why didn’t we have things to say?

Every moment I’m holding my breath 

Afraid that I’m going to lose you

Will you leave before it’s time?

I was never around 

Even when you didn’t need me 

I wish I wasn’t so afraid 

Many times have I chosen comfort over you

I wish I would have asked to visit you often

But I didn’t 

Your outer person is wasting away 

But your inner person is being renewed each day 

There is an end to the suffering I am a part of

I will let you go when it’s time 

Please forgive me 

(*line inspired by the song "Death Without a Funeral" written by Jason Gray / Andy Gullahorn)