Don’t Say Hate

I hate what we’ve become 

I can’t read a single word you send my way

Without falling apart first

I hate how forgetful you are

Help me to love 

Father please help me to love 

I am nothing in my hurting

I am nothing in my pain 

I hate who I’ve become

Our actions were ugly 

Our choices were ugly

Our words were ugly

But you are in your created essence beautiful 

You are new creation 

In the perfect One

Who bleeds forgiveness 

For the blood we shed

Except there were no stains

Only scars

The sound of death in the air

In all the words you did and didn’t say 

Of the words you did: 

“I know how to fight you too”

(Hold me close, Lord)

“But I chose not to”

(Hold me close, Lord) 

I hate that warring with your own flesh and blood could ever be a choice 

How long will we pretend

That all is past the point of existence 

Will we lose ourselves in the forgetting?

Why can’t I say I love you anymore?

Did I just lose myself in the remembering? 

If to hate is to not let go of the hurt

If to hate is to not want to be around you anymore

If to hate is to not want to share my life with you 

If to hate is to cry over yours and mine record of wrongs 

Then I guess I don’t love you anymore