Proximity

Here’s to a life 

With no future

Here’s to a friendship with no future 

Let me question your intention 

Oh but I’m losing my mind as I do 

You are as unreal as I am 

Years built on impressed words 

The work of expression

The work of touch  

Saying things

We would never say to each other’s faces

Our form of speech poured forth 

Filling the distance between us 

A long enough distance 

And it continues to

And I don’t understand why 

It questions and interrogates

And complains and vents

This is precious to me 

I care for your opinions 

And I long to hear from you each time 

Where did this all begin

When did it all begin

You’ve moved on 

But why am I still here

Why do I keep waiting for you each time 

For you to tell me that I matter

That I’m worth spending screen time with?

That you can convey your deepest emotion 

Your deepest thoughts

And expect me to believe 

And expect me to trust 

That what we have is real

And that what we have is true

How is this the truth

This can’t be what it never could have been 

In real time, no

I gave you my heart but why did I?

Why was it my choosing?

What was I thinking?

What was I hoping to achieve?

A little love,

A little honour,

Validation?

But why? 

I don’t want to take it all back either 

I don’t want to give up any of it 

But this is a nightlong epiphany 

This is the truth 

I am nearsighted 

And maybe I’m no good for you 

And I will continue to conjure up dreams of meeting you again 

How will I be?

How would I act?

What will happen when our eyes meet 

After all these years 

Would we grant each other the privilege 

Of looking at each other 

With a grace that comes 

From knowing and learning and conversing for years on end -

From a distance? 

Would we grant each other the privilege 

Of looking into each other’s eyes 

With only honour 

And knowledge 

And respect for the years 

We’ve built 

On all these unspoken words 

While we were apart?

Can I answer this? 

No 

No, there is no future here 

Where is this that you're heading 

In which direction are you steering 

Here I am 

In the passenger seat 

Singing to fill the silence 

Stopping only to request you to

Please make a stop here 

Would you mind 

Let me out 

Please can I walk this road alone 

I don’t know where I’m going 

But neither do you 

So why even try?

Why even try to pretend

That what we have here 

All these words that we hold in our fingertips 

Are something important 

Something valuable 

That in all honesty

We can do away with 

I’m afraid I’ll fall back 

And search for you 

When I’m afraid and alone 

Are we really dependent 

On each other 

To make us feel good about ourselves? 

We’re as close as the time I left home 

Near but far 

Like a forgotten memory 

Is it possible to be in so much want?

Only Your Name can satisfy

All this longing in my heart 

Why do I keep chasing anyone and everyone but You 

Is it possible to be in so much want 

What about You?

You don’t need me either 

But You want me 

Why don’t I see it? 

Nearsighted 

Because I am nearsighted 

Why am I so desperate to get into all the details 

That are irrelevant to you 

Unrelated to you 

Did I hope for comfort 

What was I hoping for?

Understanding?

Or was I just being honest?

I don’t want you to ever see me like this 

In all my desperation and insecurity 

Why is it that I want to know 

All these things about you 

And tell you 

All these things about myself 

Pitiful 

Am I really 

So pitiful? 

I am embarrassed by my naïvety  

I will continue to 

Find answers to my own questions 

Will you offer me hospitality 

Will you treat me with enough 

Tolerance 

And grace 

Like your words promise me 

Words like built defences 

Like walls up against each other - 

In quiet compromising deceit 

Simply because we don’t have to really open our hearts 

Or our mouths 

Any more than we should 

Because we’re so far away 

So far apart 

Falling apart 

Am I really alone?

Why am I so comfortable with you 

When I don’t even trust you completely 

Do I feel better 

From keeping this up?

But why am I so unfailing 

If only I pursued His heart the same way 

If only I waited on His word 

If only I took the time

If only I took the interest 

The same way I reach out to you 

The same way I long to hear from you 

Tell me

Will you stand up for me 

Will you still love me 

When you see me in all my sin

In all my shame 

In all my inadequacy 

Could you have fallen in love 

With this idea of me?

Who am I in your head?

What do my unheard words say about me? 

How can you love me 

When you can’t see me 

Past the letters that I frame and edit and present  

There’s something they should know about me

I have a way with words 

But you already knew that