You are Here

(Dedicated to Monai Uncle)

Tell me you're still here
This can't be real
It's not real
You can't leave us this way
Not without saying a word
Tell me how long it has been
Since I've seen you
Or talked to you
Or seen you with my father
I loved the humour
And the thoughts that you both shared
I loved the two of you
And the good friends you found in each other
Your wife
Your three children
They're so beautiful
The three of them are growing up so fast
I wasn't around for any of it
But how could you leave this way
I can't get past this denial
These tears
I'll never see you again in this life
But I'll wait for you
And our families will be together again
And pain will become meaningful
My pain will find hope
My shock will find grace
In the light of the One
Who raises our dying souls
To life
Unending life
I can't see you that way
I don't want to see you return to the ground
I'm not ready
It's too soon
I didn't even -
I couldn't even - 
You were so young
I thank-you for your life
For your love
For your charm
For your family 
Why did you have to leave now?
Oh Abba
I thank You
That there's victory over
This chasm I cry for
This Death
That I can't accept
I'm smiling a minute 
And crying the next
I don't think I'm ready 
To see you covered in white
With wreaths placed over
I can't bear to see you that way
I've seen my grandmother that way
So many years ago 
She too passed away soon
Why did you leave so soon?
I hope you lived a beautiful life
With no regret or sorrow
Even in that ending moment 
A beginning of something redemptive
I hope you were okay
And not troubled 
Or weary

This on-and-off responsiveness
In weariness and shock
I can't get past
How long must I wait Abba?
Not now
This can't be true
Not right now

I wish 
If I could only
Be as strong as your wife
Your kids
I know they're hurting
I saw it in their eyes
In their faces
Worn
Brave
Oblivious
Calm
How I wish I could move on too 
I know that You and him
Would be hoping for the same
Forgive me Abba
For this sorrow that I feel
I thought I'd be alright after
I'd see the commemoration of a return
After the casket would be lowered
But I broke down
At yours and mine final goodbye
Except you were asleep
And I was crying
As they covered your face

In this finality
I was only weeping
I am thankful for your life
I thank-you for everything
Only you left too soon
Neither a hello
Nor a goodbye
But I didn't think you'd leave in the time
We were away
I hope your day was good and fulfilling
As you sent them away
Locked up the doors
And laid to rest

I'll miss you dearly
I don't know when I'll get past these tears
It has been four days
I can still see my father's face 
As he talks to you
As he cries
And kisses your face
Giving you a thumbs-up
Before he kisses you one last time
I trust You with this Abba
My only pain is that
I might have to wait long
To see your promises pure
Before my eyes
I am always waiting
Waiting
For everyone
And everything
There is redemption
In my waiting
Until we meet again
We love you
We'll miss you
More than I could express
More than my tears could ever say