Beyond Saving

Please hold fast to me

When I’m wilfully drowning 

Losing who I really am in You 

In the overstimulation

In the fear

Lord over the skies and the land

Lord over the flood 

and the chaos 

of my self-destruction 

of my emotions

of the lies I have nursed 

and revived 

You are

Fount of reality 

Shattering every category 

In my heart and mind 

I am

In awe but still ashamed

Cutting myself

With my broken pieces 

Wounded and infected 

By my misplaced affections 

I am

Overpowered by my desire to choose

What is good in my eyes

What is good to me right now

Some comfort 

Some release 

One touch 

One word 

Only it destroys me 

I’ll hide here 

Quietly 

I can’t let them see me like this 

Stripped of who I am 

and unprotected 

But You are

Lord of day

and of night 

Please come find me here 

Dark as bright as light 

Please don’t leave me here 

I need Your protection 

Contain the darkness 

Let this time pass 

This is not the essence of who I am - 

You remind me 

Now please

Stay with me 

Help me to trust that 

You don’t lie to me 

Like I do to myself 

I’m losing control 

Is this my saving?

I’m losing all of me 

in my moral failures 

Is this my saving? 

Why can’t I say no 

To the things that hurt me on the inside

Help me say 

Yes 

to You

A glorious image of You

I am

A reflection of light and beauty 

even in my darkness 

even in my ugliness 

Teach me to love myself 

Like You do 

Every little part of me 

Heal every little part of me 

Bleeding on the inside 

From the ways I hate myself 

and set afire

the biochemical processes 

catalysed by the hate and strain 

of unforgiveness 

making me sick to my stomach 

Help me forgive myself too

Lord over every addiction 

every bondage  

Undone by love stronger than death 

The more I try 

The worse it becomes 

Hold me 

Like I hold on 

to my worst habits 

to the worst versions of me 

Please come draw near to me 

When I can’t move 

I want to see Your face 

Please hold mine in your hands

And look me in the eye 

Please take me by my hand 

I want to feel your wounded fingers 

Gently intertwined with mine 

I want to hear your whole heart beat 

I want to say that 

I love you 

and believe it 

With all that’s left of me 

(15 June 2025)