The Oak of Weeping

From the time I accidentally and foolishly sparked a conflict in my family - the very one that I had been trying to prevent 

I wanted to protect you

But I only hurt you

I am the unjust 

That you need saving from

I was the agent that brought about

What I feared would happen 

if I wasn't careful

Here's to not following through

The best of my intentions

The poorest of my decisions

I forget to say what I need to say

And when I need to say it

Passing up every opportunity 

To right my wrongs

This is how I get a handle

on that which concerns me

I gave up too soon

Setting afire existing rifts

and division between brothers

Withholding what I know

In senselessness  

In the self-serving name of fear 

I did it again

Why does this failure feel

As condemnable as murder

As condemnable as adultery

Inciting painful words

trembling in anger 

between living, breathing

broken humans, 

brothers 

Deepening wounds

Infecting them 

Tearing apart the kin-dom

I should have been for you

Oh how I wanted to

Mindlessly trying  

to shield you

to control the turn of events

that were sure to crash

But it was far from enough

and in the end

I was found

Standing against you 

Is this how I replay the failures of my fathers?

Am I no different

As I become what I swore I would never be

Uprooting signs of life

With my own soiled hands

I am reminded again

of how I fall short of 

loving like the One who is love 

Is this how I dehumanise us?

I mediate between the powers that divide us 

Turning into one of the complicit ones

Failing to realise 

that I was the one all along 

That they needed guarding against 

Can I say goodbye 

Just for a little while

Until my mind heals 

I must really hate myself

to consciously and unconsciously

treat them this way 

I want to learn to love myself 

and them, as myself

I don’t want to say a single word until then

Until my mind heals

and I learn to say the right things 

at the right time

out loud

But help me to stay close to You 

And speak the words You would

Amidst war  

Will I ever learn from my mistakes?

Will my cries be the only the sound I make?

A meaningless sound that goes unheard

Yet again

I'm just a little too late

Missing the mark

Betraying trust

Walking crooked paths

Shocked by my own lack of character

Please release them from the pain 

That my iniquities set in motion 

I'm finding death inside of myself

I'm believing that I don't deserve to be happy

For how I've wronged you